Edward, My Immortal
by Vampiratelvr
Summary: This is a rather long songfic on Edward and Bella from Stephenie Meyer's twilight. My first fanfiction story. This corresponds with My Immortal by Evanescence.
1. Goodbye, My Heart

"Goodbye, Bella," I managed to choke out in a relatively calm voice. _C'mon, you can do better than that, _I lied to myself. _I mustn't let her know how much this is hurting me. _There was absolutely no way I could get through this. I looked at her face, her beautiful face. The heart shape I had caressed so many times, the large brown eyes that had held me captive. A willing captive, but a captive nonetheless. They were larger than I remembered right now, and were brimming with tears. I fought back the urge to rush to her, to take her in my freezing, hard arms and hold her. To tell her it was okay, I was just being an idiot. That I would never, ever hurt her. I wanted to so badly. But I wanted her to be happy. I would _not _ruin her happiness by my selfishness. She couldn't be happy with me, a monster; a creature that had brought an end to the lives of so many of her kind. Soon she would open her eyes, and see me for what I was, and she would love me no more, if she ever had.

_I should just walk away. I shouldn't care so much about her – she's a human! _But I did care, and nothing could change that. The pain in my cold, un-beating heart was already unbearable.

"Wait!" she cried out in her gorgeously angelic voice. I pivoted as she stumbled towards me; she reminded me of a blind drunk. An eighteen-year-old, beautiful, blind drunk. Instead of holding her close to me, as I wished, I grabbed her arms and held her steady, then pushed her arms back towards her trembling body. I had told myself I wouldn't do this, that it was completely unnecessary and would ruin my lie. I did it anyway.

I leaned toward her, as closely as I dared without giving up with this quest for her happiness. I pressed my inhumanly cold lips to her very human forehead. "Take care of yourself," I whispered, and turning abruptly, I ran as fast as I could away from her, her tear-filled eyes boring holes into my back and penetrating my heart.

I walked in the door from school, closing the door quietly so as not to awake Charlie and provoke the usual "How was your day? How was school?" questions. I looked at the couch. That was where we…me and…him…had sat the last time, watching _Romeo and Juliet. _He had pulled me against him, and kissed my hair. I fingered my plain brown ponytail. Back then…it had seemed like he _could _love me. But now…tears sprang to my eyes. I collapsed against the door, sliding to the cold linoleum floor with a slight thump.

This cold, hard surface reminded me of something…something infinitely more beautiful. His skin. Everything I saw…my CD's, my car, the stereo I had gotten on my disastrous 18th birthday (I ripped that out of my car; there was considerable damage left), my grandma's rocking chair, my window. I couldn't live in peace. I wasn't sure if I could live at all much longer. I curled into a ball, clutching my knees to my chest.

_  
I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_


	2. These Wounds Won't Heal

"Mom!" I screamed through the front door. "Esme!" I crashed through the doorway, stumbling down the hallway's red carpet. Jasper, surprised, turned around in time to catch me before I fell to the floor. He grasped the entirety of the situation quickly.

"Oh…oh, Edward…" he whispered. "Oh, jeez, Edward…you really did it…Edward…you know…you know you did it…for her."

"Jasper…" I growled. "I can't do this! It'll kill me. Already, I feel as if I've died. I can't do this!" I eyed the room frantically, then grabbed a nearby dining room chair; it looked fairly sturdy. I gripped it tightly, then pulled it over my head and cracked it down on my skull. The impact caused me to collapse, shaking the floor. Jasper took the chair legs and pulled it away from my pathetic form, shaking on the ground.

"Ah, Edward. C'mon, bro! I mean, I know she's important to you..."

"More important than _anything_," I emphasized. Jasper coughed.

"Well, yes…wait, you mean more important than _yourself_?! I absolutely forbid you to kill yourself! No!" He was panicking now, wringing his hands and biting his lip. I lay on the floor by his feet, trembling. I pulled my legs in, and put my head between my knees. I glared at nothing in particular.

"Jasper, I won't be able to live with myself. Nothing matters anymore…there's nothing to care about anymore. I can't do this! Either I give up now, or I die, Jasper! I can't…"

"Edward, you're wrong. You can. If you think it's right for her…then you can do it." He lowered his voice. "I've never known anyone stronger than you, Ed." I looked up at him, shaking with the pain of it.

"Thanks, Jasper." I said, not even attempting to sound like I meant it. I didn't _want_ to be strong enough.

Silence. Jasper turned on his heel without a sound. _I should probably pack. Hang in there, Ed. We all care about you. Just you remember to take care of yourself. _

I grimaced. Taking care of myself was the last thing I wanted to do at the moment.

"Dammit!" I muttered, reaching for the tiny silver phone that Carlisle had given me "Just in case" I wanted to call her…Bella…I collapsed on the bed. Again, I curled up, hugging my knees. This phone…it gave me the power to take back my life whenever I wanted to. And I did want to. But taking back my life would be taking away hers. I was ruining her future and her present. Her entire life. I was taking away what should be hers, and I couldn't bear to do that any longer.

Without her, I felt so…empty. As I had told Jasper, I felt completely useless. _I _sure couldn't find a use in me. The only thing that mattered now was my family. I was fairly sure that they would be saddened should I die. Still, I was wavering on the edge between suicide and a life without Bella. Suicide sounded very appealing when compared to the alternative. No matter how long I lived, I would never be able to 'get over' Bella. Her existence was permanent, whether she was present or not.

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_


	3. Life Has No Point

For days I lay on the hotel bed, still, useless. Suddenly, I sat up. I looked around myself wildly. "BELLA!" I screamed, clawing at the darkness of the hotel room. "ISABELLA MARIE SWAN, DAMN ME TO HELL, I LOVE YOU!"

I slid off of the bed. The floor was cold even on _my_ back, my legs halfway on the bed. I looked at my hands. Only a few days ago, these hands had touched her face, her hair…I pressed my lips to the palm of my hand, in a futile attempt to be closer to her.

"So _Romeo and Juliet _was the greatest love story of all time, was it?" I whispered to nobody in particular. "What do you call this? An impossible love between two people…two _species_." I looked at my hands again. The same hands that had comforted her, that had wiped the salty tears off of her warm cheek. The hands that had protected her from the darkness, the cold, and the nightmares. The hands that had held her. These hands no longer had a point.

Life didn't have a point.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years_

I snatched a piece of paper off of the hotel room's desk, as well as a pencil. I began to write:

Carlisle,

You have been my father for many decades now. I thank you, for you and your family have given me much love. As you know, I was searching for something more. I found that something in Isabella Swan. I love her, Carlisle, but I can't live with her. Not when I could hurt her. But you see, I cannot live without her, either.

Please, deliver the letter enclosed to her after Alice knows what happened to me. I am not sure how I am going to do it…but I know I must.

Give my love to Alice, Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie. Most of all to Esme, for accepting me as her own son.

I love you, Father. Thank you.

Love from an undeserving son,

Edward (Cullen)


	4. I Loved You All Along

Bella,

I love you.

I know it's impossible to believe. I know I don't deserve you anymore. As if I ever did deserve you, you being the wonderful, talented, beautiful young girl that you are. I've loved you. I always will love you. But no longer can I live with myself. I left you, love, because of my love for you. I wasn't safe for you, and I knew you couldn't love me. Bella, I'm a monster. Bella, I've killed people. Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella…I can't live anymore. Not when I know that I'll never see you again…oh, Bella…you don't know the pain it's caused me.

This isn't a letter for you to feel guilty, Bella. It is the truth. I love you, and I loved the time I had with you. I am nothing without you, Bella. You are the one thing that I care about.

But you're so much better off without me. You won't have to be careful every second of your life just to make sure you don't die. You don't have to pretend to care more than you do. You can have normal friends, a normal boyfriend. You can get married. You can kiss your husband without fearing for your life. Bella, honey, you could die with me! Die, Bella! And I can't let that happen, Bella.

Part of the reason I left you, love, although not the greatest, was for selfish purposes. I dreaded the day when you would run from me. Now I don't have to deal with that. I couldn't become closer to you, Bella. Impossible as it may seem, every day we grew closer. If we had gotten any closer, I…it would be that much harder for me to see you leave me.

If you have this now, Bella…then you'll know I'm gone. And you'll know I did it for you.

By now, you probably don't care. But…darling, honey, sweetheart…Bella. Bella, the sweetest of all names! I want you to know that once, a vampire loved you. He loved you very, very much. More than anything. Someday, Bella, if Carlisle is right…I'll see your face again. And I hope that you will take me back.

With all the love that I have to give,

Edward A. M. Cullen

Post Script: Bella…your precious name was on my lips when I died.


	5. Emptiness

I was in darkness. It was oblivion, all around me. There was no way out of this nothingness. I looked around in panic. There was nothing. I felt about me, but nothing was there. Nothing but me, which was hardly anything, broken and torn as I was…

I sat bolt upright, my forehead throbbing, sweat streaming down my pallid cheeks. Nothing…emptiness…that was what I had been experiencing ever since…

A lump formed in my throat. When he was with me, I felt whole and happy, alive and full of love. Now…my heart was gone, as well as my life. I was hollow. He had taken my heart with him.

So he claims to care about my soul. As if. If he didn't want to take it from me, then why did he?! When he left, he took away all that I had. It would have been easier on my soul if he had just changed me…but, no. Maybe he didn't want me around that long…he said they were easily distracted. Perhaps I was a 'distraction' of his. I grimaced. Then my lip trembled, and the tears that had been working their way up in my eyes spilled over.

_But you still have  
All of me_

That night, I dreamed of him for the first time. Not of when he left me, but of when we were together. I dreamt of the day at the meadow. One of the best days of my life. He lay there, sleeveless shirt hanging open over his bare chest. I stared and stared, completely entranced at the impossible beauty before my eyes. He sparkled like diamonds; cold, hard, and shiny. And beautiful – very, very beautiful. Beyond the imagination – too beautiful for one such as me.

As I reached out to touch his cold, perfect skin, to trace the contours of his gorgeous chest, he disappeared. My hand hit the grass where he had lain. I looked frantically around the circular meadow, but to no avail. Edward was gone. He had left me. A piercing scream emitted from my lips, and I awoke.

Whimpering from the mere memory of the dream, I curled into a ball, tangling my legs in the covers.

_It will be as if I never existed. _

What a stupid, stupid promise. There was no way I could forget him, or 'get over' him. He might have left, but my memory was as clear as ever. And I loved him still. I always would. And he never had returned that love.

He said he wanted to give me a chance at life. Pah! If he cared, he would never have left. He must have hated me to make me go through this…this endless torture.

When he was here with me, I was freer than ever before. I could go anywhere, with Edward by my side. And then he left. I sunk to the bottom of a pit, and couldn't climb out. I was stuck. And only he could pull me out.

But he wasn't going to. He had left, and he had left for good.

Even though he had left, and was never coming back, there were times when I felt impossibly close to him. I found that when I was doing something stupid, reckless, or dangerous, I would…hear his voice. So clearly, like he was there. It seemed like he cared. I knew it was insane, but I lived for those moments when I could hear his voice.

_You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

_Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me_


	6. In The End

"Hi, Carlisle? Yes, it's Edward." I was curled up into a ball again on the floor of my hotel room.  
"Edward! Edward, I got your letter…" he said, sounding troubled. "Please, Ed, don't hurt yourself. Please…we all love you so much."  
"Father…I have already born the greatest pain possible. I still am. So don't tell me to not hurt myself. Anything would be a relief from this. Even death." Especially death, I thought to myself. Unless I could see her again…unless she took me back. No! I have interfered with her life enough. She doesn't need me…or want me.  
"No!" came a hysterical yelp, strange sounding coming from Carlisle, from the phone. "No! Edward, I…please. We all…I…love you so much…please don't…"  
I interrupted, "Father, that's why I'm calling. I don't want you to send that letter."  
A tone of relief entered Carlisle's voice when he next spoke. "Really? But Alice said…"  
"I know what Alice said, but I changed my mind. I will live until she dies. Bella…" I gulped at the memory that was constantly at the edge of my mind. Her light, loving voice, her thick brown hair and eyes, her glowing personality. Her beautiful heart. When she would touch me… I forced myself to stop thinking about it. "When she is sent on her journey to Heaven, I will try to follow afterwards."  
"Try?" asked Carlisle slowly, befuddled.   
"Yes, try. Depending on whether that's where I'm going or not," I said, impatient.  
"Edward…Anthony….Mason…Cullen…"seethed Carlisle, livid. I gulped again. "You really think there wouldn't be more for one such as yourself? You are the kindest person I have ever met, Edwa-"  
"I AM A VAMPIRE! A MONSTER!" I yelled, my temper getting the best of me. "GOD DOES NOT WANT MONSTERS IN HIS HEAVEN!"  
"GOD WANTS YOU EDWARD. HE LOVES YOU. GOD HAS A HEART!" Carlisle shouted back. "You are the best boy I have every known, Edward. God has a place for you in his heart. He will take you in. He knows what you are. A monster who tries not to be what he is can hardly be considered a monster."  
My face, which was contorted into an angry grimace, softened. "Carlisle…I hope you're right. I desperately need her. God is not cruel…I… I suppose what I'm truly worried about is if she'll… want me. If she'll take me back."  
Carlisle's voice, too, softened. "There, see now? And Edward…I know I can't predict the future, but I believe, personally…that she will want you. She'll take you back, I know it."  
"Thank you, Father. And…about the letter? Burn it, please, Carlisle." I said this with menace. What was I thinking? I couldn't hurt Esme like that. At least, not yet. Not until…Bella…was no longer in this world. "Give my love to Esme and the others."  
"I will, Son. I love you. Remember, even when you feel dark and hopeless, we will always love you." Carlisle still sounded pleading. Maybe he didn't believe me when I said I had changed my mind. Oh, well. I snapped the phone shut, and sunk back into my little universe of misery. 

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me

His hands intertwined with my hair, pulling me up to his face. I sighed in content. My breath hit him, and he smiled. He opened his lips, and I wondered why. Normally when he kissed me, his mouth was firmly closed.  
Then he spoke. "I don't want you, Bella. I've never loved you. We vampires are very easily distracted…you were just that; a distraction."  
"…Edward!" I choked out. "You can't leave me…please, please, please…" He had made his way to the window. Before climbing out, he said simply, "I don't hate you, Isabella. I just don't really…care."

I woke up screaming. Tears drenched my face and I screamed. I screamed and screamed and screamed, not caring who heard me. Because he was gone, and he wasn't coming back. But I couldn't believe that. I had, stupidly, kept a little shred of hope in me that said, "He's coming back, he's coming back."  
Darn hope. It's going to kill me one of these days, I know it is.  
I called Jacob. "Hey, Bells," he said, surprised. "Yeah, sure, I can come over. It's a little early. You sure you don't wanna go back to sleep?"  
"Yes, I'm sure, Jake!' I said, on the edges of hyperventilation. "Just come over here! I don't want to be alone anymore! Jake, please get over here!" I was getting frantic.  
"Woah, Bells! Yeah, I'm coming. S' okay, calm down, I'll be there." He sounded worried.  
"You'll…be…here?" I said, surprised that I was so surprised.  
"Yeah, Bella. I'll always be here, kay?" he promised.  
"'Kay!" I sighed. "Jake…"I began, fiddling with the coverlet. I wondered if I should say this or not.  
"Yeah?" he replied, curious.  
"I…I really appreciate you hanging out with me. I'm not much company," I apologized sheepishly, changing what I had been about to say and steering down a different alley.   
"No problem, Bells. And you are great company. I love hanging out with you." His words seemed to have a double meaning. I hung up, and pulled my legs to my chest. I sighed.  
I had been about to say that I loved him. But that would be too awkward.  
It was sort of true. But when…he….left, he took me with him. So, I couldn't love him as he deserved, couldn't give my heart and soul to him. They were gone. I was in little pieces, and Jake deserved much, much more than that.

My true love turned out to be not-so-true, in the end. All those times that he said he loved me…pointless. Nothing. I remembered one of the songs that I used to listen to, from the CD Phil had given me. It was called "In the End", by Linkin Park.

"'Cause in the end, it doesn't even matter."

After he told me he didn't want me, it didn't matter that he had once said he loved me. I had trusted him to love me, even though I didn't deserve him. When he said he loved me, it was all a lie. I was just a…distraction…of his.  
So, even though he used to be here with me, he was never really mine. I never really had him. But he would always have me. And nothing could change that. 

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me


End file.
